I think something I need to seek out this coming year is a different social context to express all these emotions. It was like I had my chest blown out last week and now it has more capacity. I raged uncontrollably in a way that still frightens me. All the usual restraints were gone and I just threw a violent screaming tantrum. This is where too much honesty can be unkind. I don’t ever want to tell her how much I hated her that night and how angry I felt. I’ve suddenly developed quite a temper, screaming at the computer, almost smashing things. But somehow I feel *better* than before, like these things are okay.

And I got my birthday wish. I let it all go, I let them go, I let myself go. And now I see that anything I feel for her is because I allow myself to feel it, not because of fate or some underlying damage. For several hours, I *saw* her. Everything loathsome and wrong and hurtful and damaged and psychotic. And I hated her and I hated myself for ever letting her affect me. I raged and raged, letting all this shit pour through me. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t something I’d wish for anyone to see. I woke up on the floor, not sure of where I was.

And when I see her, I feel lighter. And man does she piss me off. And I still love her, but it feels like something tangible and something I’ve decided for myself, not some ephemeral glow outside of my control. But it was easier the other way.